Shabby Chic For Miss Minogue!

Some people consider me to be one of life's eternal optimists, Strangely I'm at a loss to know why, although I do admit to being one of the 18 people who voted for the Liberal democrats in the UK general election of 2015 having fallen for Nick Cleggs 'Coalition has been good' mantra and I also remain oddly convinced that it is only a matter of time before Kylie accepts my earnest, and if I may say so, rather generous offer of a couple of Fosters down my local before walking with me hand in hand round to the chippie for cod, chips and mushy peas,.... Yeah I know I should be so lucky...lucky lucky lucky...

 Be that as it may my own (fairly) positive attitude pales into insignificance when compared to some others. You know the type, they remain annoyingly upbeat in the face of overwhelming odds against them and genuinely expectant that 'something will turn up' to justify this stance, despite nothing ever having turned up in their entire lives before and no evidence that anything is likely to change in this position in the foreseeable future.They of course see the best in everyone and indeed everything, constantly reminding you that if you can't say something nice, then you shouldn't say anything at all. That you should strive to live every day as if it's your last and generally being a right royal pain in the backside. This Ned Flanders 'niceness' only serves to make them seem faintly false, patronising and inevitably susceptible to bouts of outrageous smugness.

So imagine my horror when one of the aforementioned annoyingly bobbish folk referred to me in general conversation as a little bit 'Shabby Chic'. Now style guru's will know that the term 'Shabby Chic' consists of one word too many and indeed the vast majority of items offered for sale described as such are found lacking in the 'chic' department roughly in the order of 100%.

Also consider this,'Shabby Chic' usually refers to an old worn out chest of drawers with scratch marks on the top of a dodgy greenish grey paint job with its look finished off by having some of its drawer pulls forlornly hanging out of worn out holes or worse completely missing! Furthermore these items can also be described, (more appropriately perhaps) as  'distressed' which of course usually means exactly the same thing, only with more scratches and knobs missing for about 20 quid more!

So there you have it, Nick Clegg has seen the light, annoyingly optimistic folk think I've seen better days and Kylie isn't a lady to be seen at all.................................yet.

Distressed? You got that right at least.

A Shabby Chic clock face next to a fine timepiece

Authors footnote;
Other Lagers and lovely lady mega star's are available.

Chirps Keep Up With The Foodie Blogs...... Blog

It would seem that I have been labouring under the flawed perception that to secure and nurture a bigger audience for my various scattered scribblings all I needed to do was document my thoughts and observations on 'life' as I know it, lay it bare for the great general public, warts and all in bite size portions in the form of a blog and they would flock to be a part of the greater Chirps community.

 Now this has in part become a reality with an encouragingly healthy readership and page views numbering several thousand prompting me to go about my business displaying a serene smugness that only Jacob Rees-Mogg could ever hope to match.

 So imagine if you will my angst when on listening to the radio the other day, a young lady was interviewed who apparently writes a 'foodie' blog and has her own you tube site where she demonstrates how to prepare various' dishes' and has collective page views/watches of her sites numbering some 2million odd!   What the Spag Bol is that all about?  

Some Delia wannabee with an 'A' level in home economics wiping the floor with chirps! but then I quickly began to wonder whether this demonstrates the obsession the populace seem to have with anything food related, from Masterchef to Come dine with me and the almost 'cult' followings for celebrity' chefs.

 Perhaps then I thought, the way to capture more readers is to incorporate food related stuff and features such as a 'recipe of the month' to 'wow' my audience and encourage their participation.

 The obvious problem with this approach is that I know next to nothing about food preparation, nor do I claim any skills on its presentation thus ensuring that a 'recipe of the month' feature would extend to roughly 3 months max before exhausting my total recall of culinary delights that I have prepared and not had to call the fire brigade out afterwards to extinguish the inferno thus created! 

I fear I am not alone in this dearth of knowledge surrounding all things gastronomic, frequent readers may remember a post from last year, The Outdoor Masterchef which adequately sums up the cooking abilities of the common man!


http://clivevincent00.blogspot.co.uk/2014/06/the-outdoor-masterchef.html

Notwithstanding this, some might say obvious drawback, I'm going to give it a go, I mean how hard can it be? Just need to think up some tasty dishes, give them the requisite flourish of Frenchness to effectively demonstrate how removed they are from ordinary everyday dishes you may have heard of and Blanc's your uncle as they say in Provence!. .

So here goes, for my first recipe I give you something I've called 'Beanzez a la top of de tost'

mmmm it's making me salivate all ready!

First open a tin of Stewed Haricot beans in a rich Tomato sauce and place them in a saucepan on top of a gentle heat on your hob. allow them to come to the boil before reducing the heat and allowing them to simmer for a couple of minutes.

Whilst they are warming put two pieces of sliced bread or ' du pain' in the slots on an electric toaster and liberally butter when they 'pop out',
Next spoon the warm beans over the buttered 'Tost' apply a little black pepper and brown sauce to your own taste and serve with a fine glass of Adams ale and a winning smile. A Voila!

Now I'll admit that this recipe may at first sight seem a little similar to another rather well known one but I would point out the cunning addition of brown sauce which of course makes it totally unique.

So there you have it, my new food themed blog is up and running! can't wait for next months feature and second 'Recipe of the month' which I'm calling 'Frommages a la top of de tost'
.............................................What?

Top Chefs are excited by Vino's latest sensational recipe 'Beanzez a la top of de tost'

*Photo courtesy bbc

The Outdoor Masterchef

Ah summer will soon be here, with its long hot sticky days and still sultry evenings which of course means its the time of year when men get out a ludicrous pair of Bermuda shorts, slip on the apron with the ladies boobies on it and don an ill fitting pair of flip flops before announcing that they are inviting a few friends round and having a barbecue. 

Now quite what gives guys the mistaken belief that they have the necessary skills to essentially light a fire outdoors and cook a tasty meal on it I cannot quite work out. It is especially baffling when you consider the complete lack of ability displayed in the kitchen at all other times, despite being presented with a machine which can be pre-programmed to the correct temperature and time required to cook dishes precisely. Somehow an oven is considered to be a woman's tool and the kitchen very much their domain but outdoors? well that's a different matter.Men it seems find the urge to revert to their old hunter gatherer roots which means they pick up a box of matches, tuck a  'Ray Mears goes wild' pocket book into their shorts and head out to 'light up'.
This of course should be relatively straightforward but the handy book only covers lighting a fire using two sticks and a piece of vine used as string so it's quickly discarded and lighting cubes are deployed and lit and our outdoor hero stands back and awaits the fire to take hold and grow. However he has reckoned without the toll a miserable damp winter has had on the briquettes which having resided in the far from watertight shed have absorbed enough moisture to make them resemble small black water melons and make lighting them an act of the purest optimism as they steadfastly refuse to burn. Various accelerants are then poured on in an effort to speed up the lighting process which only results in three guests needing checking over at the local emergency department suffering the effects of smoke inhalation.

"What do you mean 3 people have collapsed?"

Eventually though because of all the flammable liquids administered an inferno develops and cooking commences but this serves to incinerate the outside of the burgers while leaving the inside rawer than an egg just leaving a chickens bottom so the 'chef de partie' leaves the meat on the fire until resembling charcoal. Those guests still remaining relatively well perfused with oxygen then tuck in, nodding their heads appreciatively and various murmurings can be heard complimenting the salad and the bread rolls;
"Oh" says the wife playing coyly with a tousel of hair, "Its just something I knocked up quick with some bits from Waitrose"
A loud tut is heard from our man but despite his best efforts the only feedback the Barbie Meister gets is 'You don't half look funny without eyebrows'
This of course rankles him immensely, so he does what all self respecting Alpha males would do in such a situation;
He removes his apron, opens another can of extra strong lager and gently lobs 'Ray Mears goes wild' on to the now dying embers. The outdoor Masterchef hereby resigns!

A bird in the hand or rather the gutter

With spring now on the near horizon I am mentally preparing myself for the annual battle with a very noisy bird who seems to get up and start chirping at ridiculous o'clock while rifling through the contents of the gutter which runs just above my bedroom window.  I am no ornithologist but I am certain the culprit is one of those fawny birds with a flash waistcoat, we'll call him Robin flash waistcoat. 

While I am not insensitive to the needs of this creature to advertise and display his melodic prowess to the rest of the garden inhabitants I am now preparing for the certain sleep deprivation that weeks of early morning calls will undoubtedly cause.  

You may argue that I shouldn't be surprised that anything that starts life in a shell suit becomes a noisy neighbour, nor bear them any ill will but the more I think about the perks of being a bird the harder it is for me not to feel a sense of injustice with it all.
For instance birds can dump on you from a great height with no comeback;
They never have to queue at the supermarket till to get their food:
They can build a place to live without requiring planning permission and even better only need some twigs and moss to do it and best of all be jobless and not have any desire to watch daytime TV!

Hmmmm I can see why Robin flash waistcoat feels he has something to sing about!.

Perhaps i'll tweet him to see if he'll stop. ☺

Wise Men Say Only Tools Rush In

It would seem that as I get older, I shall be getting wiser, which is great! Nothing, it appears, is required of me to acquire this wondrous ability as I am led to believe by various family, friends and assorted sages that as long as I stay alive, it is a rite of passage. Apparently I can sit back and await wisdom and the associated prestige that 'guru' status allows.

 I have little reason to doubt this will be the case and consequently I look forward to shortly being able to tie my own shoe laces and perhaps even understand why the bloke who lives down the road shouts at the pigeons for no apparent reason every morning. 

However all this newly acquired wisdom may not I fear be enough to answer some fundamental questions on everyday life that have been bothering the chirps out of me for some considerable time.

For instance;
Why do first things always have to come first? Bit selfish.

Secondly,why did I ask the above question first?

Also, if it rains 'cats and dogs' why have I never been struck over the head  by a medium sized domestic animal?

Plus why do all female violinists appear absolutely stunning while their male counterparts seem to be fifty something balding guys with dubious moustaches?

And why do I insist on writing this crap when the readership consists of me, my auntie Betty, her budgie 'Pete' and a selection of robots in Google town, USA?

Yes many mysterious things it seems are designed to irritate me and remain steadfastly unanswered.

Despite this I remain on the whole quite positive, as it seems even when the dark clouds of complete foolhardiness surround me there always appears a bright light, a shining beacon that lifts the gloom and allows an uplift in my spirits. For proof of this I'd like to share something with you;

A few years ago I was heard to say rather belligerently that there was more chance of me having a hot date with Kylie than Donald Trump ever becoming president of the U.S! So after the election and my initial reaction of 'WHY AMERICA? I was much more upbeat as I looked again at my initial statement and saw the odds of a good night out with pop royalty tumbling in my favour!

Fast forward and now we move into another election year across the pond and its looking like he could just do it again and become a square man in an oval office for a second time!

So C'mon, surely now is my moment?? I am convinced that something more than just my tummy burp residue is in the air! I am happily reading my copy of 'I should be so lucky', A dummies guide, and looking forward to Kylie's imminent friend request on facepull. A necessary first step I'm sure you will agree? after all, first things first, I don't want to rush in, you know what wise men say!........................

A very happy and peaceful election year to you all!