Chirps Keep Up With The Foodie Blogs...... Blog

It would seem that I have been labouring under the flawed perception that to secure and nurture a bigger audience for my various scattered scribblings all I needed to do was document my thoughts and observations on 'life' as I know it, lay it bare for the great general public, warts and all in bite size portions in the form of a blog and they would flock to be a part of the greater Chirps community.

 Now this has in part become a reality with an encouragingly healthy readership and page views numbering several thousand prompting me to go about my business displaying a serene smugness that only Jacob Rees-Mogg could ever hope to match.

 So imagine if you will my angst when on listening to the radio the other day, a young lady was interviewed who apparently writes a 'foodie' blog and has her own you tube site where she demonstrates how to prepare various' dishes' and has collective page views/watches of her sites numbering some 2million odd!   What the Spag Bol is that all about?  

Some Delia wannabee with an 'A' level in home economics wiping the floor with chirps! but then I quickly began to wonder whether this demonstrates the obsession the populace seem to have with anything food related, from Masterchef to Come dine with me and the almost 'cult' followings for celebrity' chefs.

 Perhaps then I thought, the way to capture more readers is to incorporate food related stuff and features such as a 'recipe of the month' to 'wow' my audience and encourage their participation.

 The obvious problem with this approach is that I know next to nothing about food preparation, nor do I claim any skills on its presentation thus ensuring that a 'recipe of the month' feature would extend to roughly 3 months max before exhausting my total recall of culinary delights that I have prepared and not had to call the fire brigade out afterwards to extinguish the inferno thus created! 

I fear I am not alone in this dearth of knowledge surrounding all things gastronomic, frequent readers may remember a post from last year, The Outdoor Masterchef which adequately sums up the cooking abilities of the common man!


http://clivevincent00.blogspot.co.uk/2014/06/the-outdoor-masterchef.html

Notwithstanding this, some might say obvious drawback, I'm going to give it a go, I mean how hard can it be? Just need to think up some tasty dishes, give them the requisite flourish of Frenchness to effectively demonstrate how removed they are from ordinary everyday dishes you may have heard of and Blanc's your uncle as they say in Provence!. .

So here goes, for my first recipe I give you something I've called 'Beanzez a la top of de tost'

mmmm it's making me salivate all ready!

First open a tin of Stewed Haricot beans in a rich Tomato sauce and place them in a saucepan on top of a gentle heat on your hob. allow them to come to the boil before reducing the heat and allowing them to simmer for a couple of minutes.

Whilst they are warming put two pieces of sliced bread or ' du pain' in the slots on an electric toaster and liberally butter when they 'pop out',
Next spoon the warm beans over the buttered 'Tost' apply a little black pepper and brown sauce to your own taste and serve with a fine glass of Adams ale and a winning smile. A Voila!

Now I'll admit that this recipe may at first sight seem a little similar to another rather well known one but I would point out the cunning addition of brown sauce which of course makes it totally unique.

So there you have it, my new food themed blog is up and running! can't wait for next months feature and second 'Recipe of the month' which I'm calling 'Frommages a la top of de tost'
.............................................What?

Top Chefs are excited by Vino's latest sensational recipe 'Beanzez a la top of de tost'

*Photo courtesy bbc

The Outdoor Masterchef

Ah summer will soon be here, with its long hot sticky days and still sultry evenings which of course means its the time of year when men get out a ludicrous pair of Bermuda shorts, slip on the apron with the ladies boobies on it and don an ill fitting pair of flip flops before announcing that they are inviting a few friends round and having a barbecue. 

Now quite what gives guys the mistaken belief that they have the necessary skills to essentially light a fire outdoors and cook a tasty meal on it I cannot quite work out. It is especially baffling when you consider the complete lack of ability displayed in the kitchen at all other times, despite being presented with a machine which can be pre-programmed to the correct temperature and time required to cook dishes precisely. Somehow an oven is considered to be a woman's tool and the kitchen very much their domain but outdoors? well that's a different matter.Men it seems find the urge to revert to their old hunter gatherer roots which means they pick up a box of matches, tuck a  'Ray Mears goes wild' pocket book into their shorts and head out to 'light up'.
This of course should be relatively straightforward but the handy book only covers lighting a fire using two sticks and a piece of vine used as string so it's quickly discarded and lighting cubes are deployed and lit and our outdoor hero stands back and awaits the fire to take hold and grow. However he has reckoned without the toll a miserable damp winter has had on the briquettes which having resided in the far from watertight shed have absorbed enough moisture to make them resemble small black water melons and make lighting them an act of the purest optimism as they steadfastly refuse to burn. Various accelerants are then poured on in an effort to speed up the lighting process which only results in three guests needing checking over at the local emergency department suffering the effects of smoke inhalation.

"What do you mean 3 people have collapsed?"

Eventually though because of all the flammable liquids administered an inferno develops and cooking commences but this serves to incinerate the outside of the burgers while leaving the inside rawer than an egg just leaving a chickens bottom so the 'chef de partie' leaves the meat on the fire until resembling charcoal. Those guests still remaining relatively well perfused with oxygen then tuck in, nodding their heads appreciatively and various murmurings can be heard complimenting the salad and the bread rolls;
"Oh" says the wife playing coyly with a tousel of hair, "Its just something I knocked up quick with some bits from Waitrose"
A loud tut is heard from our man but despite his best efforts the only feedback the Barbie Meister gets is 'You don't half look funny without eyebrows'
This of course rankles him immensely, so he does what all self respecting Alpha males would do in such a situation;
He removes his apron, opens another can of extra strong lager and gently lobs 'Ray Mears goes wild' on to the now dying embers. The outdoor Masterchef hereby resigns!