The Importance Of Being Cutest

How come whenever I am under the weather and generally feeling like I'm top of the grim reapers 'to do' list, I am invariably diagnosed as having man flu, which as all men will know is a potentially life threatening condition but bizarrely seems to have a medical seriousness classification from women roughly similar to hiccups! 

The considered opinion from these female 'medics' is that the ailing patient would be best advised to take 2 paracetamol and 'grow a pair'. 

A pair of what? New lungs?

This of course contrasts sharply to when the pet dog is off his food for a day.

He is whisked off to see the modern day equivalent of Dick Turpin, i.e the Vet and has a blood and urine test and later an ultrasound scan. After all this there follows the earnest enquiry, 'Is there anymore you can do for him?' 

WHAAAAT!!!

I am therefore left in little doubt just who is considered to be irreplaceable in our household and who is likely to be put out with the recycling!

I realise that the dog has such a hold on the affections of my beloved due in no small measure to his 'cuteness'  that equitable treatment in the malady department will be forever denied unless I am able to reproduce this appeal myself, in which case my life would become exponentially easier and more comfortable, so I hatched a devious plan.

I always try to learn from others who seem to be able to influence people, feel happy in their own skin and live the life that they desire with little or no effort!

With this in mind I have taken this past week to curling up on the sofa and snoring loudly, waking only to receive nourishment and copious amounts of affection.This strategy seems to work very well indeed for our Cocky Spaniel so I figured I would give it a try.

As experiments go it could not in any way be deemed a success, indeed it would seem that there is the very real danger that trying to 'be more dog' can have serious repercussions on the harmonious house front and put certain baggy parts of my anatomy in grave danger! 

I found out to my cost that no amount of my trying to give it the old puppy dog eyes can in any way replicate the real thing, which is a tad annoying when 'he' makes no effort to be cute and alluring but nevertheless succeeds on all levels while I retain all the allure of a sumo wrestlers mawashi after a particularly long and arduous bout!

This being the case I have decided to rouse myself from the couch and attend to some jobs around the house. As long as I don't make a complete dogs dinner of these chores, I feel sure that enough brownie points will be accrued such that I return to my rightful place as Mr cutie Luvva man, as past failings will inevitably fade from the memory.

Now I should point out to any aspiring house husbands three very important points that should be considered prior to tackling any household works:

1) Pick a chore that is obvious to see has made a difference. An outdoor example here would be mowing the grass.

2) Always check for time saving hacks and pitfalls to avoid on youtube before commencing if not completely sure of how to achieve your goals and then decide whether you have either the nous or inclination to take on the task.

3) Ensure you have an excuse clear in your mind for using when the wife gets home if you have failed to at least start something!

Hopefully, if you follow these guidelines you will always have things under control, at least in your own mind!

Wait a minute, I haven't done any chores around the house today and the wife's due home in ten minutes!

Horse dung! I can't think of a good excuse as now I'm annoyed and confused, which before anyone else says it, is not an entirely unique situation. Recently lycra clad pedal pushers, outdoor masterchefs and birds with flash waistcoats tweeting too much have all either annoyed or confused me! Oh dear it's all too much for me, I feel ill, the man flu's back.I think I'll just curl up on the sofa again and go to sleep. I bet when my girl gets home she'll think: "Aw, he must be feeling rough again but doesn't he look cute"

A creature with puppy dog eyes and a dog trying to look cute!

Shabby Chic For Miss Minogue!

Some people consider me to be one of life's eternal optimists, Strangely I'm at a loss to know why, although I do admit to being one of the 18 people who voted for the Liberal democrats in the UK general election of 2015 having fallen for Nick Cleggs 'Coalition has been good' mantra and I also remain oddly convinced that it is only a matter of time before Kylie accepts my earnest, and if I may say so, rather generous offer of a couple of Fosters down my local before walking with me hand in hand round to the chippie for cod, chips and mushy peas,.... Yeah I know I should be so lucky...lucky lucky lucky...

 Be that as it may my own (fairly) positive attitude pales into insignificance when compared to some others. You know the type, they remain annoyingly upbeat in the face of overwhelming odds against them and genuinely expectant that 'something will turn up' to justify this stance, despite nothing ever having turned up in their entire lives before and no evidence that anything is likely to change in this position in the foreseeable future.They of course see the best in everyone and indeed everything, constantly reminding you that if you can't say something nice, then you shouldn't say anything at all. That you should strive to live every day as if it's your last and generally being a right royal pain in the backside. This Ned Flanders 'niceness' only serves to make them seem faintly false, patronising and inevitably susceptible to bouts of outrageous smugness.

So imagine my horror when one of the aforementioned annoyingly bobbish folk referred to me in general conversation as a little bit 'Shabby Chic'. Now style guru's will know that the term 'Shabby Chic' consists of one word too many and indeed the vast majority of items offered for sale described as such are found lacking in the 'chic' department roughly in the order of 100%.

Also consider this,'Shabby Chic' usually refers to an old worn out chest of drawers with scratch marks on the top of a dodgy greenish grey paint job with its look finished off by having some of its drawer pulls forlornly hanging out of worn out holes or worse completely missing! Furthermore these items can also be described, (more appropriately perhaps) as  'distressed' which of course usually means exactly the same thing, only with more scratches and knobs missing for about 20 quid more!

So there you have it, Nick Clegg has seen the light, annoyingly optimistic folk think I've seen better days and Kylie isn't a lady to be seen at all.................................yet.

Distressed? You got that right at least.

A Shabby Chic clock face next to a fine timepiece

Authors footnote;
Other Lagers and lovely lady mega star's are available.