Late nights and creaking gates

Good day all!  I feel that I must share with you that I have suffered recently one of those moments in life when you realise that what you were capable of doing so easily in the past is now only possible by taking a hefty quantity of illicit drugs, none of which can be ordered over the counter at the pharmacy. 

You must understand that when I say that I suffered a sudden realisation, this in fact means that it felt as if someone had violently assaulted me using some form of club to hit me about the head, or to be more precise, right between the eyes!

For the record I was in the lovely city of Liverpool, at a professional seminar, taking time out to use the conference centre internet connection to impart my somewhat folded view of life and my complete inability to deal with it. For those of you who know the city, the conference centre is right next to the Echo arena as was, on the Kings dock, overshadowed by a huge Ferris wheel thing, a kind of Liverpool eye if you will.
Now it is accepted at these events for delegates to be afforded a few evening 'perks' in the form of food and drink and generally be allowed to relax and be merry at somebody else's expense. Yes! Just like an MP! There is only one drawback and that is it is all too easy to over indulge if who pays is not an issue, a bit like your buffet breakfast when your on your all inclusive holidays. You know croissants, toast, followed by a full english, cold meats, waffles and lastly a little slice of melon to make you feel better about it! Well the same can happen in the evening in the bar where a plethora of different exotic sounding drinks are freely available and you feel this is too good an opportunity to miss! Hence yours truly is slumped on a rather uncomfortable stool in the 'delegate lounge' and I am aware that my body has a ridiculous slope as I cannot retain any form of decent posture due to alcohol fatigue and a curvature of the spine which appears to have been acquired overnight despite my very comfortable queen size bed. My legs have suffered a temporary (I hope) amnesia, completely forgetting their role in supporting me, so much so my knees seem to no longer act as effective hinges so I have to crouch part way to the floor and then fall the rest of the way while pretending that this is some form of cunning master plan to get to the floor quicker and therefore recover the pen that I am unable to grasp properly more nimbly.

This of course has led me to question what in royal Scally city is going on? This morning, in a brief window of clarity I was shattered to have some very grave thoughts pop into my mind. I suddenly realised here, in this great place that I have now lived far longer than I am yet to live and slowly pieces of me will very likely start failing to work properly or more unsettling start dropping off completely!

So it was I carried this heavy burden into the conference pretending all the while that my odd body shape was in fact some hereditary disease and hoping against hope that I didn't bump into anybody who knew me!

I realise that some of you may well have suffered similar unsettling experiences and you may be able to extend to me some sympathy and understanding and feel charitable enough to offer up some suggestions as to how to cope with being the wrong side of sixty and not make a complete chisel of myself at every turn.You see I  know of only one cure for a creaking gate that doesn't involve radical surgery or a mobile pharmacy to follow me around and that of course is oil, alcohoil in copious quantity. Groundhog day tomorrow then! ☺

The Alternative to Intelligence. A loving wife!

AI image of a complete idiot. copyright planks R us.

I was more than a little made up recently when I discovered via my ever attentive wife that a solution to an issue which has beset me for my entire life could actually be provided by a new phenomenon which apparently has become available to us all. 

The 'problem' for want of a better word is that when I was born I somehow managed to get stuck at the back of the intelligence queue and apparently they had run out of that commodity a good while before I reached the front of it!

As a result of my misfortune I have had to suffer numerous cruel taunts and put downs throughout my life. These have varied in acidity and spite, ranging from a fairly soft 'you dozy bugger' for thinking that the Moody Blues was a medical condition suffered by my sister, stepping up in venom to a much more fierce 'what a dinosaur' from a seventeen year old work colleague when I mistook tik tok for small mints! before finally suffering the indignation of receiving the slant 'If brains were dominoes you'd be a double blank! from my brother when he convinced me that winning the challenge of keeping your pee directed onto the electric fence wire made you pretty special indeed.

https://blunderousstories.blogspot.com/2015/01/the-gamble-of-life.html?m=1

Yeah, thanks bro!!

Not even my Do/1 degree in tomfoolery from Horrabridge university or my subsequent appearance on Universally challenged made any difference to my brain function or how people interact with me. This of course has resulted in my attempts to inform and guide through written articles to fail at the first hurdle on a frequent basis. These include 'driving made easy, a crash course ' and 'drug dealing, a pharmacists guide'

Lucky for me, the 'cure' is now really easy. I can now obtain artificial intelligence or AI as its known. This of course has been the moment that I have waited my entire life for as with a little help from 'Gemini' I can write a snappy and thought provoking post with little or no thought on my behalf and banish to history the curse of criticism and people poking fun at me!

Praise be! I hear you shout, No more aimless ramblings about my utter pointless existence or my inability to cope with even the mildest of life challenges. 

Posts from now on should be informative, without being boring, humorous without being crass and although still short of anything even a little bit useful they will at least be well written!

So you can all look forward to my next AI inspired offering; 'How to tie your shoelace while balancing on one leg'

(Spoiler alert, its all to do with having a good centre of gravity and being under 65! So no and no for me then!)

C'est la Vie! The intelligent thing to do apparently is ask the wife to do it for me as she has access to a spine that bends without pain and the need for a loud aaaagh! as she performs the task, plus the added bonus that it returns to a normal shape when she stands up!

Oh well, lets hope I've mastered the old intelligence thing before too long because if not I may have to try and blag my way through the pearly gates at this rate!

See ya ☺