Remember when you used to wake up in the morning full of vim & vigour? Then one day you realised that vigour had buggered off and you were left with just the vim!
Well that day had arrived for Jeremy (Jerry) Cann, He awoke that morning basically feeling like he had been hit by a bus, which on first hearing may seem a little melodramatic, but was something that Jerry was familiar with having been actually hit by a bus aged eight when crossing a road in Foulmouth, the town he was raised in. Four months of painful recuperation followed and this had impressed upon Jerry that this was a feeling best avoided in the future if at all possible and if not, it should be treated by a medical professional with the greatest urgency!
So it was clear to him that this current, very similar feeling when he had avoided all contact with a municipal chariot, needed expert help pronto!
Although he harboured no hope of getting a Dr's appointment at his local surgery within a reasonable time frame he was cheered by the fact that he had enough foresight to arrange private medical insurance, so he resolved to contact Dupa immediately and get a consultation with a medic organised.
An appointment was arranged speedily for him to see a Dr A'nus, (pronounced a'noose) at a medical clinic in the nearby town of Lostwherewithall. Jerry gave a frown when he read the referral. The clinic it seemed was called the 'Littlehope medical centre' 😧
They were kidding right?
Worse was soon to follow as on checking out the clinic online Jerry discovered the strap-line:
"Whether it's a heart problem or a fart problem Dr A'nus will get you back in rhythm and complete all the paperwork!"
Omg, he mused, this was getting more and more bizarre but he was feeling so awful he felt he had no choice but keep his appointment with Dr A'nus or very likely have to attend an alternative appointment with a bloke carrying a scythe and a nasty wiff of body odour!
The clinic looked nothing out of the ordinary on first view and Jerry made his way slowly in through the door to the reception inside.
A young lady sat behind a screen which looked somehow out of place and Jerry noticed her name plaque sitting neatly in front of the diary she was writing in. It informed him that her name was 'Miss N Chance' and when she looked up smiling Jerry couldn't help himself:
"Don't tell me you're first names Nora, or Noa" he said with a smirk demonstrating his complete ease with gender neutral persons.
"It's Nicola actually" she said, barely able to disguise her annoyance with him.
"Can i help you"
"Yes I've got an appointment with Dr A'nus" Jerry said, careful to pronounce it correctly so as not to pour more petrol on the raging fire he had inadvertently started.
"Right, take a seat please if you are able to or just stand over by the chairs if not and Dr A'nus will see you shortly"
"Ok, thank you, Jerry said trying not to look confused by the receptionists words, Take a chair if you're able to? What did she think was wrong with him? collapsed arse?
True to her words a nurse appeared promptly from a hallway and called out boldly,
"Jeremy Cann please"
"Yes" said Jerry looking around and realising for the first time that he was the only person in the waiting area.
" Hello, I'm Steffi, she said, follow me please, "I just need to do your blood pressure before you see Dr A'nus if that's alright?"
"Ok fine" Jerry was feeling too rough to offer any resistance. It could rightly be said that the Jerry Cann was running on empty!...
She sat him in a chair in one of the rooms off of the corridor and proceeded to attach a cuff to his arm. As she leant over him he caught sight of the name badge on her bright blue uniform. It proclaimed that she was; Clinical nurse Steffi Scope.
Jerry closed his eyes and began shaking his head gently. This was moving into the realms of fantasy now.
"Keep still please" nurse Scope brought him back into the room. The cuff slackened off.
"168 / 84, a bit on the high side but not surprising if you're feeling unwell" her voice gentler now, "I'll take you through to Dr A'nus and we'll get you sorted out" she smiled and led the way three doors further down the corridor where a sign on the door proclaimed that this was the professional residence of Dr Titus A'nus MD. She tapped lightly and opened the door leading the way into the clinic room.
"Mr Cann Dr" she announced, turning to leave and closing the door.
The doctor advanced and offered his hand to shake. "Titus A'nus" he said with an accent that was somewhere from eastern Europe. This closely matched his appearance which shouted Bond Villain to Jerry. Slickly combed hair and a black beard which highlighted his impeccable white teeth.
"What seems to be the trouble today" he enquired with a further show of the teeth,
"Well I woke this morning feeling absolutely awful and it hasn't improved much since then" Jerry's voice was soft, almost childlike.
" Ok I need to examine you, can you loosen your shirt please"
There followed much poking and prodding of some very tender areas of his body and Jerry noticed that one of his arms was particularly sensitive. The good doctor gave a few hmm's indicating all was not well.
"You have several sensory problem areas Mr Cann with your ulnar nerve being by far the worst and is severely affected".
"What's that" Jerry asked,
"It's a nerve that runs down your arm and crosses the elbow, people often refer to it as the funny bone"
" That explains why nobody laughs at my gags i suppose" Jerry said trying to lighten his mood.
" I don't think people should be laughing at you if you are gagging Mr Cann" Dr A'nus said seriously raising his eyebrows. " That would be quite wrong"
" What?"
" Mmm, Hard of hearing as well, this is worse than i thought" Dr A'nus started scribbling on a pad on his desk.
"What....no I heard what you said, I just...
The doctor ripped the sheet of paper off the pad and handed it to Jerry.
"Take this prescription and Make sure you follow the dosing instructions and i'll see you again in a week. In the meantime if your symptoms get worse you must call an ambulance immediately as it may indicate serious illness"
Jerry looked forlornly at the prescription, Iimproveu 250mg tablets 4 x daily it said.
"Oh FFS" I improve you? Jerry mumbled to himself, stuffing the prescription into his trouser pocket. After thanking the good doctor for his time Jerry moved out of the clinic room and towards the door to leave. Miss Chance was no longer at her station so Jerry pushed at the door to the street,.... it didn't budge.
He tried again with the same result so tried pulling it toward him. No good either.
"Jesus" he mumbled trying his shoulder at the door but it still remained steadfastly closed.
"Hello" he called over his shoulder, hoping Miss Chance or perhaps nurse Scope would come to his aid but there was no reply.
He noticed in that glance that things looked different somehow.
The reception desk was there but there was no screen, computer or telephone etc.
Jerry put his hand to his head, what was happening to him? was he hallucinating?
A feeling of panic came over him so he moved into the corridor to look for Dr A'nus or anybody at all who could help him. He tried all the rooms off of the corridor but all were completely empty. He slumped against the wall and slid slowly down into a sitting position with his head in his hands.
This was just a nightmare right? He would wake soon with a start and realise he had been the victim of some night terror, but it all seemed so terribly real. What was happening?
He clambered to his feet and moved back toward the deserted reception area. There was dust and cobwebs everywhere on the desk and the room had a dank musty smell which he had not been aware of before.
The only thing present on the desk was a largish book which looked like the diary that miss chance had been writing in. Jerry opened the book and thumbed through some of the pages noting the appointments and outcomes of some of the patients who had attended the clinic in the past.
He was on a page dated May 1st 2008 and his eyes stopped dead in their tracks.
There it all was,
Patients name: Jeremy Cann
Referred by: Dr Cliff Charlatan
Physician: Dr Titus A'nus
Presenting symptoms: Sensory deficit, general malaise.
Outcome: R.I.P
To be continued.............
