When Punching Yourself In The Face Is The Best Option!

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Throughout my life I seem to have prompted people to roll their eyes at me on a fairly frequent basis. I am not sure why I seem to attract this reaction as often as I do, I would like to think that people are surprised at my knowledge and insight and are kind of awe struck into this facial gesture as they admire once again my wisdom and humour.

 However I am becoming increasingly concerned that it means nothing of the kind and I now suspect it to be an accompanying mannerism to a 'What a complete tool you are' kind of thought.

 One of my earliest memories of this eye rolling phenomenon is as a four year old when a very old man introduced himself to me as my Great Grandfather". I was immediately on my guard with this old codger as anyone who puts 'Great' in their job title is to be treated with the utmost suspicion!

 Talk about biggin yourself up I thought, if anyone should be grading his Grand-Dadding abilities it should surely be me!. So my response was predictable, "What's great about you?"  I mumbled.The room fell silent for a few seconds before my mother laughed nervously giving the eye roll a full flourish.

 My reward for my incredulity was to receive one of those 'you young pup' cheek pinches which were frequently administered in days gone by when you could touch a child without infringing their human rights and usually given just hard enough to ensure a nosebleed but no tears or bruising and accompanied by the phrase 'You little rascal!' 

Fast forward fifty years and this morning I have yet again been on the end of the exasperated eye roll. I met with two female friends, who I'll call Susan and Angela,  who work in the same building as myself and after some good humoured banter the conversation took a dark and morbid turn when Susan reported that her 'man' had upped and left her and she was feeling a little fragile and found herself uncontrollably bursting into tears at random times during the day.

 This information would have been unsettling in isolation but the recounting of it had a severe effect on her emotional state and the aforementioned sobbing began in earnest. Angela, predictably was compassionate and soothing, placing her arm around her and providing the kind of support that only true friends can. Whilst doing this she looked over her shoulder at me and gave me a screwed up face look which I interpreted as 'say something moron!'

Now, in retrospect, I am not sure whether it was panic or mental illness which made me say what I did but suffice to say it did little to help the situation, rather it was akin to pouring petrol on a fire in an attempt to put it out. 

"At least you won't be kept awake by his snoring anymore" I blurted complete with a matey wink at Angela signalling that I had interpreted her message and reacted with the cool assurance expected of me.

What followed was nothing short of mayhem and I will not bore you with all the details other than it began with the most icy eye roll I have ever witnessed, such was its venom I began to have serious concerns for the collection of odds and sods housed in their cotton enclosure between my legs,
"How did that counselling job interview go" Angela spat at me, clutching her friend ever tighter.
I gave a little nervous smile "Oh you know, just couldn't relate to it"

For what seemed a long while there was complete silence. I imagined tumbleweed drifting past on the breeze and wished I could somehow just walk off. Then Susan turned around and simply said "Dick!"

What a time to forget my name I thought rolling my eyes for effect.